Ben’s Totally Real Future Telling Horoscopes of the Future!

I recently learned that I have a connection to the spirits in Horoscope Land and they have given me the secrets of your destiny (between now and...let’s say, Sunday). I will now impart those secrets to you. It may take a second, my connection to Horoscope Land is by dial-up and the video chat keeps freezing. (It would seem that IT infrastructure is not a priority in horoscope land).

And now your future.

Aries:  Mar 21 - Apr 19

The mood at home will sour this week when your partner stumbles across your browser history. Come on! Those are simple settings. Keep your head in the game. Now, you’re going to have to talk about your weird Jem and the Holograms obsession.

Taurus:  Apr 20 - May 20

Have you what that Aries guy watch online? I know, Jem, how lame. He need to get into something cool like She-Ra. You should check out this fan-fic that wrote about the crossover adventures of Kowl and madam Razz in the Real Ghostbusters universe. It's awesome. Slimer and Kowl are forced to duel in order to save Venkman from the cluches of a possessed Louis Tully.

Gemini:  May 21 - Jun 20

The spirits know what you like. The stars are aware that you are unable to lie about your desires. But this week, if a girl walks by you with an itty bitty waste and that round thing in your face, try not to get sprung. Even if you pull up tough because you noticed that butt was stuffed. Lucky numbers are 36, 24, 36

Cancer:  Jun 21 - Jul 22

Crab does sound good. Yea, let’s get seafood for supper. Where do you want to go? I don’t care, where do you want to go? I don’t know all I can think of is that one place. Where? You know on 10th by… use to be a store or something. Anyways, do we want to sit down or just get drive thru. Oh yea! Let’s get drive thru, I just remembered that I DVR’d that Sherlock special on PBS. Awesome, yea let’s get food and watch that. Where do you want to go? I don’t know where do you want to go?

Leo:  Jul 23 - Aug 22

Be careful this week. No seriously, stay inside. Don’t go to work, or the store, or the yard or even open the door. In fact, say in bed. Eat a bunch of food, fatten up and sleep until spring. Oh, wait…never mind. I thought you were a bear. My bad.

Virgo:  Aug 23 - Sep 22

You will find love with a person of some specific characteristics. The connection may or may not come about through your work, extended family or possibly from someone in your social circle.

Libra:  Sep 23 - Oct 22

Hey! Stop picking at that thing on your leg! Well, for one it’s gross, and two it’s GROSS. What is that blood…or what? Put a band aid on it. And wash your hands.

Scorpio:  Oct 23 - Nov 21

How many of these signs are there anyways?

Sagittarius:  Nov 22 - Dec 21

“Years ago, when I was backpacking across Western Europe...I was just outside Barcelona hiking in the foothills of Mount Tibidabo. I was at the end of this path and I came to a clearing and there was a lake, very secluded. And there were tall trees all around. It was dead silent. And across the lake I saw... a beautiful woman... bathing herself... but she was crying”...How you doin'?

Capricorn:  Dec 22 - Jan 19

Something, something, maximize your best fearless self. Vision boards and coal walking and dream journals. Yada, yada, the past is a gift so wrap your presents in the shoebox of the future.

Aquarius:  Jan 20 - Feb 18

That Facebook post is a secret message to you. To everybody else it’s just a picture of a sunset. But, really it’s a message for you. But, now what? Do you directly answer her saying that you got the message or does she want to play this game some more? Wait, wait….the spirits of Horoscope Land are telling me that, no, it was not a secret message and was in fact just a picture of the sunset. Weirdo

Pisces:  Feb 19 - Mar 20

Keep it real.

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