In the first years of the last decade of the second millennium the great Champion of the Nerd, the Geek Demigod, the Superhero of the Squeeze box was sending a warning to the world. Researchers have recently discovered an ancient recording from the era of slap bracelets and flannel. That discovery is shedding new light on the prophecies of one Alfred "Weird Al" Yankovic. According to sources familiar with the findings, if the world had heeded the warning that the right honorable Vicar of Yanks had issued in 1993 we may have avoided one of the most disturbing sights of 2013, weird dancing bears.


In 1993 the world was recovering from the Year of the Mullet and the Great Line Dancing Kerfuffle. It was a different time, there were videos on TV, gas was so cheap people would just drive around and a song ad taken over the world. Al knew what it would lead to. The song was originally called Don't Tell My Heart, but when it came time for the collection of words and melody to change the course of the reality it was christened with the moniker that would be remembered for generations: Achy Breaky Heart.

The singer of that song was launched into superstardom. The song was everywhere, indoctrinating people into boot clomping lines and forcing the front of hair to climb towards the heavens while the backs reached for the floor.

This could have been as far as it went but, Señor Acordeón was a seer of the future, he knew if the song kept playing it would lead to something the poor, simple people of 1993 could not contemplate. So, Weird Al released this warning for the world. The citizens of Earth needed to know this secret.

He knew! With all our 21st Century technology and gold jackets we were unable to see what that visionary saw. But, we can see how the pieces fit together, how the world got here.



If only we had left all those millions of cas-singles in their cardboard sleeves. We could have been spared.

Here Al works to ensure that future generations will not have to have any cows, man. (Photo by Frederick M. Brown/Getty Images)

Our only hope now is time travel. We must call on scientist the world over to make time travel a priority. Once we make that breakthrough I have a plan.


We will go to the summer of 1992 with a copy of the Macarena and those two old guys from the video and head off the Achy Breaky Explosion. Those people wouldn't be able to resist! Remember this just two years after Ice Ice Baby, they will listen to anything. We could do it. Maybe even round up the Spice Girls and take them too. The Power of wedding dances and Wannabe would surely crush the dominance of that line dancing lunacy.

Let’s get to work! Anybody have Sporty Spice's number?