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Lazy Person’s Lawn Care


So it seems that Spring has decided to get its act together and stop by for a visit. That means soon I will be shamed into taking care of the lawn. Oh, I’ll put on a brave front for as long as possible but, the neighbor’s mowing habits will inspire scowls from my wife and that will finally spur me into action.

What is a person to do? I profoundly dislike lawn care. I also do not like bugs or the possibility of bugs touching me. I need to find some ways to end the cycle of grow, cut, grow, cut that steals my Saturdays. Seasons six and seven of Deep Space 9 won’t re-watch themselves. So, let’s explore some alternatives. Ezri Dax this is for you.




Xeriscaping is a style of landscaping that reduces the need for irrigation. It is also low maintenance. I thought it was just a fancy way of saying “put a bunch of rocks over there.” But no, the basic idea seem to be to use native plants and mulch in place of a lawn. Which is what I thought I was doing by letting my yard go all these years.

The downside is that there seems to be a lot of planning involved. And I want to dispute Internet people’s definition of ‘low maintenance.’ That looks like a lot of time away from Ezri would be involved here. It still looks like a lot of plants to deal with and the potential for bugs.


Zero-Scaping I guess

It’s like Xeriscaping but with more rocks and less mulch. But still too much foliage.



Rocks could be the solution. Not a lot of planing. No plants to take care of. But, what about weeds? With rocks I’ll have to keep an eye out for weeds and worse than that, do something about them. That means either bathe the yard rocks in chemicals or skip quality time with Ezri to mix up batches of vinegar based hippie weed killer. Both are no gos.


(Photo by Peter Macdiarmid/Getty Images)

I love to swim and I have fond memories of the lake. I guess I could bring those good times home and dig up the yard and make a pond. But…unless “digging up the yard” means driving my truck around the lawn until the grass is gone and, “making a pond” means letting the ruts that are left over fill up with rain, I think a pond project is well outside my range of things I want to do. Plus again, bugs. But a pond could double as a moat. hmm.



I think what I am looking for is pavement. Let’s just get rid of the lawn all together. Pave it over. Online there are how to guides that say to dig up the yard to make it ready then choose what to put down. That’s like more trouble than it is worth. Nobody seem to support my idea of dumping bags of cartoon quick dry cement on the grass and waiting for the rain.

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Do Nothing

Lawn Gone Crazy

This would seem like the best thing to do. No upkeep and I don’t like to go outside anyways so who cares what it looks like, right. But what about bugs? At least a mowed lawn cuts down on bug possibility. Crazy growth could lead to lots of bugs and those bugs could eventually TOUCH ME. So, that’s out.


Well, according to my research if I want to balance my desire to not do outside stuff with my obsession with bugs not TOUCHING ME then the best course of action is to continue the grow, cut, grow, cut cycle. Oh well.

Hey, do me a solid and keep these findings between you and me. I’d like to keep my Ezri Time from being the topic of another ‘discussion’ at home. Thanks.

Two Awesome Covers of ‘Thrift Shop’

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